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He really isn’t coming back

Grand Canyon 2017

A widow’s journey

There are 5 stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It has taken me three years to reach acceptance. My new normal is living life as a single mom. I am raising a boy and anything I don’t know I have to learn and fast.

Legoland 2017

It seems my son has grown up overnight and I need to keep up. I have to love up on my son so that he knows how much I care while he still has me. What I had come to realize is I have spent a lot of time over the past three years checked out of life in my grief.

This affected my son, my work and my social life. I have spent time holding on to the married woman I was not coming to grips with how my life and personality was changed. It’s time to embrace that change, start over and discover the things I desire and enjoy in life now.

Halloween crafting 2017

My son is evolving into the man his father was. Everything from his expressions to his personality remind me of his dad. There was a time I couldn’t handle any similarities of Qwan in DJ but now I welcome it. These moments of nostalgia are all I have left of Qwan. He really isn’t coming back.

In loving memory

On this day just after 5 am three years ago my husband was pronounced dead. Qwan is laid to rest without a grave marker because I simply refused to put it there. Due to the rules of the cemetery he can’t have a large tombstone only the flat plaque and this annoys the hell out of me.

But in order to properly honor his memory I must claim that piece of dirt where he lay so the world will know he was here. I have been having the hardest time choosing a design because I have to do so unwillingly.

It’s not all about me though, Qwan has family and friends who would want to visit him too. I am sure Qwan is shouting down from heaven something like “put respect on my name!” Qwan was large in stature and personality. He gave a lot of love to many so at the very least he should be memorialized properly.

Qwan’s friend Tone and the “Wolf” pack.

Qwan didn’t just leave me and DJ behind. He still has a mom, nieces and nephews, god children and lifelong friends. I want to empathize with how they feel about his lost and the times they would need visiting him too.

Qwan at work with great friends.

One of Qwan’s last wishes were for me to never remarry or “he will rise up from the grave. I know he’d give me a pass if I did. He even told me specifically who I couldn’t marry bringing up old flames he knew about. Ha! That conversation was hilarious thinking back to it. But I know Qwan would want to see me and DJ thrive and live a well rounded life that makes us happy.

A look ahead

This year I will be 38, the age Qwan was when he passed. There is a reason I still walk the earth so I have to make every moment count. I accept that his physical presence is not here but I believe he is watching over us. I want to make him proud and continue to carry him in my heart.

So I get it, I am not the same. I have even lost friends along the way and now I accept this. No one will replace the relationship I had with Qwan. There is a permanent void lost because he is irreplaceable. I must stop trying to fill that void with these temporary meaningless things.

Whenever I was afraid I would fail Qwan would say “you got that shit”. I will let that phrase echo in my head as I brave through taking this new life head on. He also told me so much about raising DJ as he got older so Qwan left me with tools I have remember.

He really isn’t coming back.
Our son doesn’t have a dad.
I am a widow and single.

Now what? I am not sure what the future holds but I know I got that shit!