An open letter to my late husband

This was written September 1, 2015 on my late husbands Birthday, I am sharing with the world today. It contains messages only my husband would understand, this is only intended for him.

Already I see you giving me the side eye Qwan because I am telling our business again but at this point I certainly hope you have watched us from heaven with front row seats witnessing all he good that has come to DJ and me through sharing our lives with the world. Remember you didn’t understand blogging, and that’s ok but it saves me from the insanity everyday.

It’s the most insane thing that you are gone. Your not here to see our son through these stages you slightly prepared me for but I wasn’t ready. With DJ being a year older this week I already see so much change. I will be modest in the conversation that led to his point when he told me for the first time he wanted a girlfriend. That’s a daddy moment I wish you were here to experience. This summer when he played football and learned swimming it’s those moments I know you would have cherished as a proud Dad in the side lines.

Though  I am not prepared to watch our happy go lucky kid battle with deep sadness everyday especially this week, your Virgo weekend. It something instinctual happening with you two that I can never be apart of. Since January he has never been so upset and I need your help with your pep talks to him but your not here.

I have also been battling insomnia staying up til 4:00am like old times when I waited for you to get home from work. I swear you must me hovering over me somehow nudging me awake.  I feel I have only been frozen in moments of time and so has our son, this moment I refer to as the “good times”. We’re not dwelling on sick days and bad days and angry times and sad times. DJ keeps talking about how you always got him a honey bun and let him stay up late and I keep thinking about our Netflix nights.

The one thing I ended up complaining about so much I wish I could have back. Speaking of TV Qwan can you believe Ice and Coco have a talk show  AND Heros is coming back. I can’t believe you’re missing The Walking Dead too! I watch these shows alone because I have to talk to you during them and when I say you I mean that picture on my dresser. I miss our friendship, some of my actions may not have reflected that when I was so angry but I always considered you a great friend. You were a lousy husband but a great friend and I got nothing but love for you baby.

It’s been CRAZY to see how much you impacted personal friendships and the lives of so many in your job and over the years.. yes the job I wanted you to quit. I can see how much you lived when your were there. The FBPC/Village underground/Olive tree community continue to be the backbone of support and love me and DJ needed and I didn’t see this before. This community was like family to you then but are family to us now. Its overwhelming how much support we have but I only have your to thank for that.

Today I going to miss your tales of your birthday shots and punches and our shot of Hennessy. I am going to miss making fun of the grey hair you keep getting and calling you an old man. I am going to miss our naps which felt like days on end.

Before you left this earth I felt like we had mended only to have it all taken away. I don’t want to be mad, I certainly don’t want to be sad and I want to celebrate all that your were.

Happy 39th Birthday Big Sexy