The following post was written on October 30th, 2015. It’s been three years since my husband past on January 29, 2015. I have decided to pull these post out of the archives to share my pain then and see how far I have come until now.
It’s 4:54am, Friday October 30th 2015. I laid awake crying for the last hour but the last 24 hours has been very difficult. My mourning the lost of my husband has started all over again as if I have just lost him. I am not sure why I feel this way but no doubt this is something you are never prepared for. This time last year was tumultuous in our relationship, I was angry all the time because he was told he was going to die and everything I wanted him to do to prevent it wasn’t happening. Perhaps his natural instinct to fight against me was all in Gods plan, I am sure everything has happened the way it did for a reason.
I remember telling him he wouldn’t live past January because of the way things were progressing but my thoughts now in this moment is “if I felt that way then, should I have done anything differently”. I can honestly say aside from our fights I have absolutely no regrets. My husband was in his mother’s home when he began his journey on to the next life and later being pronounced dead in the hospital. While I am so sorry my mother in law had to endure the pain of watching her only son die this prevented DJ (our son) from being a witness.
When my husband died I wasn’t with him in that moment but that day I felt very ill mentally, emotionally and spiritually. What was beginning was the journey to losing a piece of my soul, a piece of my heart. Part of myself died with Qwan and I know it will be gone forever. I don’t even feel like “me” anymore I feel like a person lost in the world alone because I am looking for something. It’s the missing part of my heart and soul and the connection I had with my husband that not one single person on this earth can ever understand because I was his wife and apart of him.
I understand the scripture now when it says God made Eve from Adam. I understand now when an older couple being married for years are never the same when the other dies. It’s different for me in the fact that I am only 35 and expected to move on . One of my husbands last wishes was for me not to remarry and this I want to honor and I can’t even imagine moving on into another marriage (he said dating was ok though). No one can put back the piece of my heart I am missing, to me not even God because he is the one that took it away. I have to take things one day at a time emotionally and forgive myself for my set backs like my long gap in blog post, weight gain and forgetfulness. I will keep trying and keep pushing like the late singer Aaliyah says: “If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again”. Even though yesterday I was stuck in my grief, today I won’t move on with life but I will try again as if my heart were whole.