Being a widow and losing a piece of my heart

The following post was written on October 30th, 2015. It’s been three years since my husband past on January 29, 2015. I have decided to pull these post out of the archives to share my pain then and see how far I have come until now.


It’s 4:54am, Friday October 30th 2015. I laid awake crying for the last hour but the last 24 hours has been very difficult. My mourning the lost of my husband has started all over again as if I have just lost him. I am not sure why I feel this way but no doubt this is something you are never prepared for. This time last year was tumultuous in our relationship, I was angry all the time because he was told he was going to die and everything I wanted him to do to prevent it wasn’t happening. Perhaps his natural instinct to fight against me was all in Gods plan, I am sure everything has happened the way it did for a reason.

He looks like and angel


I remember telling him he wouldn’t live past January because of the way things were progressing but my thoughts now in this moment is “if I felt that way then, should I have done anything differently”. I can honestly say aside from our fights I have absolutely no regrets. My husband was in his mother’s home when he began his journey on to the next life and later being pronounced dead in the hospital. While I am so sorry my mother in law had to endure the pain of watching her only son die this prevented DJ (our son) from being a witness.

Celebrating my 30th birthday

When my husband died I wasn’t with him in that moment but that day I felt very ill mentally, emotionally and spiritually. What was beginning was the journey to losing a piece of my soul, a piece of my heart. Part of myself died with Qwan and I know it will be gone forever. I don’t even feel like “me” anymore I feel like a person lost in the world alone because I am looking for something. It’s the missing part of my heart and soul and the connection I had with my husband that not one single person on this earth can ever understand because I was his wife and apart of him.

Fun times at a his best friends wedding.

I understand the scripture now when it says God made Eve from Adam. I understand now when an older couple being married for years are never the same when the other dies. It’s different for me in the fact that I am only 35 and expected to move on . One of my husbands last wishes was for me not to remarry and this I want to honor and I can’t even imagine moving on into another marriage (he said dating was ok though). No one can put back the piece of my heart I am missing, to me not even God because he is the one that took it away. I have to take things one day at a time emotionally and forgive myself for my set backs like my long gap in blog post, weight gain and forgetfulness. I will keep trying and keep pushing like the late singer Aaliyah says: “If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again”. Even though yesterday I was stuck in my grief, today I won’t move on with life but I will try again as if my heart were whole.


  • Adele

    Your blog really grabbed my hart. You verbalise so well what I feel. My husband passed away 3 August 2015. My son was 3 years old. Thank you for your words

  • Lashawn Johnson

    My husband passed suddenly and unexpected 9.13.18 we hav kids 4, 13,15,19. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one. My husband always said he didn’t want me to remarry…I would not want to and I I surely will honor his wishes. Many push me to move on and find someone else saying your husband would want you to. No he doesn’t! I know what my husband wants.

    • Shaniqua Garvin

      I hear you. It’s been 4+ years and I can still hear my husband telling me his last wishes regarding staying single. Thank you for sharing Lashawn. Wishing you all the best for you and your family.

  • Amanda

    Thank you for sharing such tender moments. I am reading this 3 weeks after my husband passed on Christmas Eve. He left me and our miracle baby who turned 1 two days later. I have not had the words to even begin expressing how it feels so thank you for allowing me to read and absorb and just feel like someone else out there gets it. Thank you!

    • Shaniqua Garvin

      You’re welcome Amanda. I can’t imagine what you might be going through with so many important life events happening at the same time. Just remember you’re not alone. Many widows will be there with open arms if needed. As for your bundle of joy, congratulations. Wishing you many blessings in the years to come.

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